Sunday, 11 May 2014

My Cyborg Cat

My cyborg cat has lasers for eyes.
To try and fool him would be unwise.
My cyborg cat for some reason wears ties?
Whoever programmed my cyborg cat was kind of weird.
I mean, ties are impractical for a cat.
It’s always dragging on the ground and getting in the way.
They could have at least made him partial to bowties.
He also has an odd attraction to french-fries.

Fly me to the moon.

My humble attempt at song writing:

I wish you would just fly me to the moon, in your hot air balloon.
What I would do is I'd bring a book or two just to read to you
And we'd sit on the dark side of the moon and I'd read my book to you

The moon is father away than I'd like to admit
The sun goes down more often than I'd like it to

I guess it would do just to sit on my porch with you and read you a book or two.

Friday, 7 February 2014

I think that if you are into tortillas food-wise then you are missing out if you are not eating those colored tortillas. The first time I ate a roasted red pepper tortilla it changed my life. Here is an itemized list of the ways that it changed my life:

1. I no longer ate uncolored tortillas.
2. My wraps are now the talk of the town.

Change your life today.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

The Adventures of Ratburn and Graham

 A man and his rat at the grocery store.

One day Ratburn and Graham went to the grocery store. People were quite displeased. They did not appreciate the idea of a rat in a grocery store.

A man and his rat go for a walk.

One day Ratburn and Graham went for a walk in the park. They came across a large bulldog who barked excessively loud. Ratburn became quite frightened and crawled into Graham's hood. This was Ratburn's favourite hiding place.

A man and his rat get ready for school.

One day Graham slept through his alarm. Luckily, Ratburn gave him a lick on the face and woke him up just in time. Thanks to Ratburn, Graham was not late for class.

A man and his Rat go to the zoo.

One day Ratburn and Graham travelled to the zoo. The zoo was Ratburn and Graham's most favourite place to go because they often saw many of Ratburn's relatives such as the Australian jumping mouse, the muskrat, the Norway lemming and the black bellied hamster. They also saw one of Ratburn's more distant relatives, the lion. The Lion had a mighty roar. Ratburn also had a mighty roar but he refrained from using it as Graham was easily startled by loud noises. Unsurprisingly Graham was quite taken aback when the lion let out a very mighty roar. In fact he was so taken aback that he stumbled backward and fell to the ground. Ratburn who was perched on Graham's shoulder leaped to a nearby seal tank. However the long jump made it hard for Ratburn to make a steady landing which left him precariously perched on the side of the tank. His position was so unstable that a simple breeze could send him billowing over the side of the tank. Regrettably for Ratburn it was the perfect day; warm with a light breeze. However before the delicate waft of air could send Ratburn over the side of the tank to the seals bellow, a hare-brained teenager mistook Ratburn for a piece of seal food. He then proceeded to toss Ratburn into the seal tank. Due to Graham's unconditional love for Ratburn, Graham dove over the tank and grabbed Ratburn before he plunged into the tank. It turned out to be a very exciting day at the zoo. Ratburn was so lucky to have a friend like Graham.

This has been the Adventures of Ratburn and Graham. Tune in next time for more epic adventures featuring Ratburn, Graham and a secret special guest.

Monday, 24 September 2012

Everybody's Favorite Dinosaur(Part 2)

For Part 1, see "Something I wrote about a dinosaur"

Everybody has an idol. For Donovan, it was King Kong.  Donovan had mad respect for any gorilla that could physically dominate a Tyrannosaurus Rex. (At this point it should be made clear that any references to King Kong refer to the 2005 Peter Jackson version of the ape). Being a dinosaur of the Tyrannosaurus family, Donovan idolized that King Kong could stand up to the Rex's who were typically the family douche-bags. One day, Donovan hoped to be as big and strong as King Kong. In order to do this Donovan would have to stick to a strict diet: three children a day with a side of coniferous trees(broccoli for dinosaurs). This was problematic as the suburbs in his area were becoming restless. Though they were no longer confused as to why he was eating children, they were becoming concerned. The local children's choir had already lost three major leads and was starting to lose their competitive reputation in the show choir community. It would not be long before Donovan would be hunted down and viciously killed. These common folk just had no respect for a dinosaur with dreams. As a result, Donovan decided to hit the road. It would be a long road to victory but Donovan set out on his way in hopes to someday reach his goal and be awesome.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Red Riding Hood

A new version of  the classic tale "Little Red Riding Hood". It's just the intro I haven't quite gotten around to finishing it yet.

Once upon a time in Sherwood forest there lived a teenage girl by the name of Laurel. Laurel was by her own definition, a misunderstood teenager. She spent the majority of her afternoons listening to heavy metal music in her room. Her mother, whom laurel despised, would often tell her that her music was obnoxious and to “turn that racquet down.” To this laurel would reply “It's not racquet mother, it's Lamb of God, only a lame person would not know that.” Her mother would then reply with something like “Well it sounds a lot like racquet to me!” Laurel would then proceed to holler a sarcastic quip about her mother's age and from that point the makeshift conversation would descend into a yelling fight. Laurel had several piercings, all of which her mother did not approve of. That is in fact the reason she got the piercings or at least that's what her psychologist maintained. He believed that the reason for the eyebrow ring, the snakebites, the tongue ring, the several earrings and the numerous other piercings was that this perturbed young teenager wanted to rebel against her mother. He maintained that this was also the reason for the green spiky hair and that tattoo of a skull on her left arm. Laurel did not think much of this “chump” who was her psychologist. She didn't think much of adults in general. Her school recommended that she see a psychologist after she taped herself killing a chicken and then submitted this video to her media class. She maintains that she was simply expressing her views on animal cruelty. In other words she did not visit him by choice. On one occasion when Laurel showed up to her session stoned, she explained to her psychologist that the reason she was so “effed” up, was because of her mother. She then recounted to him how her mother would always make her wear a small red cape with a hood to school everyday when she was a child. She claimed that this traumatized her to the point where she could not possibly live a normal life. Though the psychologist did not approve of drugs for the use of self induced euphoria he didn't seem to mind because this was the most progress he had ever made with laurel. All the kids at her school had given her the nickname “Little Red Riding Hood”. She did not appreciate this nickname.

Mole Man

An entry from the journal of Mrs. Mole Man:

It happened again. Oh what a day. This is too much for me. I have had to replace three carpets already. This is starting to get ridiculous. I mean I knew when I married mole man that I was getting myself into “things” but this is just too much. I'm happy for him, really. Super heroes are important and I do love him so much. Just last week he saved the city from a giant alien attack. Don't get me wrong, his heroics aren't the only reason that I love him. I think he's a great person. He knows the greatest places to eat. He gets discounts at most places as well but that's besides the point. He's a helpless romantic. People always ask me how I live with a man that spends the majority of his day underground. It's actually pretty nice. His pale complexion is actually pretty hot. Like those vampires from twilight you know? He's also has a nice musky kind of smell. He's so strong too. But really, he has a great personality. He even wrote his own vows for our wedding. So I mean, I love the guy, I do. I just think we rushed into things a little bit. Kids weren't really ever first on my priority list but mole man was pretty insistent. And it started out pretty well. He was a cute baby just like any other baby. I started to notice something strange on his first birthday. I knew he loved to play in the sand box. What kid doesn't So I put him there while I was working in the garden. I was working away and the next second I turn around and he's gone. I was petrified I called the police and everything. He showed up two days later in somebody's garden on the other side of town. They said he crawled out of a hole. I didn't believe it at first but than last week I walked into the living room to find something under the rug. I thought it was some big vermin so I hit it with a chair. It didn't even phase it. Just kept crawling around. Mole man finally got home and cut it out only to find out that the mysterious thing was our son. Guess he got most of his dad's genetics. Mole man says he's harmless, but that's the third rug this week. I can' afford to put another rug down. Everyone thinks that baby superheroes are cute, but they are a handful . It's not like I can send him to a special school like in the X-men.. This isn't a movie after all.